A place to find answers for my questions.
Another monday in the life of a 26 year old who is in the rat race but do not know what he is running for. Woke up the morning with a heavy heart, confused, scared.. but there was nothing wrong. It was just the thought that he is in a race which he does not want to win but has to run. If he do not want to be a part of the race, why run? We do not know.
He tool the day off. A sick day for the mind. What was wrong, that he is not sure about. So, he carried on with the day like the rest. Dropped of his wife to her job in his red ford sedan, talked to his happy parents on the way back on whatsapp, unaware at the time that he was feeling as if something was off.
He came home and started appling for jobs as he thinks moving from the current province to a new one will provide more chances of PR and might be a good way to escape into a job where he could make atleast a small impact in the life of people around him. So, he started researching and applying for jobs, but the vaccum of the mind started expanding. He felt as if he is unable to move forward anymore. Not with his legs, but with the breathing, his thoughts, everything seemed to be burdening and heavy for him.
He came to the conclusion that it might be due to the inactivity, maybe a good workout will clear the mind and give him peace so that he could get back to what he thinks he needs to get done. So, packed his white shaker bottle, took the headphones from the car and jammed his phone and earbuds into the bad and away he went on his electric bike.. At the time, he did not seem to notice that he was pedelling less and relying on the electric power more.
What he did notice was that he forgot to bring his white bottle with him, but determined to have a good workout, he went in, streached and enjoyed the small workout session. He noticed that it was his mind which had the most impact rather than his musles. He had not thought of it much before.
He realised that if he starts a workout, lets say tricep pushdown and thinks he will do 10 reps, somehow either he gets super tired by the 10nth rep or stops at the 10 rep but is unable to do the 11nth rep. He found it facinating, He, went from 40 pounds to 100 directly by skipping the 50, 60, 70 .... and decided he would do 10.
Surprisingly the weight felt easy and was doing the 6th rep when the though occured, oh.. damn.. I am doing two times the weight of what I was doing.. suddenly the weight got heavy... he tried so much and could not do the 7nth rep... Why,, was he actually tired or was it his mind controlling his body?
He thought he would look into it later as he thought he might not have the energy as he was not feeling it. So, he did a quick few reps, and stepped out of the gym.
That was when he realised that, he was feeling lost, hungry, driven, tired but mainly shaken on what to do next. He was feeling so hungry, so he toook his e bike to a store but could not get himself to see what he needed to have. He was hungry but unsure what would solve his hunger. He walked in front of a few stalls to see if his mind would decide on somehting to eat.. but it did not.
So, he took his e-bike and rode back home, this time, the bike doing all the job as he was confused on what he wanted. By this time, noon was bright, came home, ate somethinh and everything that he saw, but he slowly came to the understanding that what he wanted was not in aspect to what he wanted to eat or do but more in aspect to what he wanted from life.
He decided to go on a walk, bothered, not knowing where he was going for, without a destination in mind, he walked.. and kept walking. While on the walk, he saw two elderly ladies bathing hen. He found it intresting and so went to talk to them. Not surprisingly, they were very happy and welcoming.
He asked, how are you so happy- We belive in Christ was the answer. I doo belive in Christ too but why am I bothered, anxious, unhappy, he asked himself. He had some good conversations and in the middle, he told them,, You know, I do understand that Christ lives and exists and that he is our ever loving God but have you ever felt like there is not even an acknowldgement or does he even understand that I exist?? He just asked it out of the sadness of his heart. They replied.. He does certainly ackwnolede that you exist. thats for sure. but I still had my doubts.
The boy continued his walk, thinking of the conversations and of God. The more he was thinking, nothing happened, neither did it get more confusing, nor did it get any clearer.
He came home, took a shower, wore good clothes. wanted to meditate and so he opeend youtube and put the first video he saw on. a slow piano playing music video it was. He was focusing on the breathe when he saw that a bible verse was written on the video. It said 1 Peter 5;6.
So, I was curious, why this, took the bible and read out the post. It was- Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.
CAST ALL YOUR ANXIETY ON HIM BECAUSE HE CARES FOR YOU.
How beautifull!!/ I asked god if he even thinks that I exist and he showed me that he cares for me.
I understand that he loves me, cares for me and is with me in every second of my life. Thank you Jesus. Give me the grace to believe in you and your plans for me. Thank you for being with me and caring for me. Much Love. Albin